Are you happy ? I mean… if you are being honest with yourself… truly happy? If so, fantastic! But if not, then welcome to the club. This post isn’t going to be all doom and gloom… most of us have the same general desire and that is to find true happiness. But what is true happiness really? It probably has a different meaning to each and every one of us. As a kid I used to think true happiness would be making a million dollars, traveling the world and hoarding a thousand pets that I could hug and squeeze and kiss all over. As I grew into a teenager my idea of true happiness was finding a stud and making him love me forever, a simple creative career would suffice and living on the beach was the way to go. Now halfway through my 30s my idea of happiness has changed yet again. I’d still like to have a million dollars and travel the world, but one four-legged furry at a time is more than enough. I’ve found the stud that will love me forever, have a ‘creative’ career and live within close proximity to multiple beaches. I should be an overflowing cup of joy juice… right? Then why do I feel so blah all the time?
It seems lately I’ve been letting things that I enjoy and that comfort me fall to the wayside. Bless my fiance’s heart for keeping the majority of our home clean but I tend to have no motivation to keep my areas (bathroom, bedroom, car, etc.) tidy which ultimately ends up causing me stress and discomfort. I normally would enjoy spending time getting ready to go places but these days it seems I spend little to no time getting ready to face the world… which then makes me feel insecure about my appearance (stress/anxiety). I enjoy testing my body’s abilities and the way that healthy eating makes me feel in comparison to eating unhealthily… yet I willingly indulge in sugar-laden beverages, greasy burgers/pizza, etc. knowing that it’s going to make me feel lethargic and ill afterwards. Why do I do these things to myself?
As I consider these few things that I know contribute to my discontentment I know that there is always the possibility that I’m suffering from a form of depression. I’ve never struggled with severe depression myself, though have been close to others who have so I’ve learned a great deal about it and how it effects your entire life. I understand that suffering from depression doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m sad. I’m not sad, not in the least… I’m just very under-motivated.
At any rate, I’m not in the business of self diagnosis but I am in the business of self healing, soul searching and self reflection. I’m a firm believer in putting the words in your head out into the universe and repeating them to yourself ad nauseum until you actually believe them. As a wonderful Buddhist nun taught us about happiness, “fake it until you make it” if you will. I’ve devised a plan for myself. I’m going to make a point of everyday doing at least one thing to improve my life. No matter how large or small of a thing, the effort will be made. Today, I’m going to clean my bathroom for the first time in months. The bathroom is the first place that I see in the mornings and it ultimately sets the tone for the day… a clean/tidy bathroom will at least get me started on the right foot.
Here’s to baby steps to self-improvement… happy weekend everyone!